|On Thu, 09 Sep 2004 23:29:00 +0000 "Catherine
>I wish I could be writing you a happier email, but I can't right now.
>I need to break up with you. Mostly its because I am so early in
>and I don't know who I am yet. I know I've said this before, but I
>can't escape the truth, and I still need to be alone to figure this
I know who YOU are. You're a human being who is ambivalent to the reality
in front of you. As I am basing my opinions on objective fact I'm sure you
can tell me, specifically, where I'm wrong. Don't worry. You need neither
to change for me nor respond for your silence speaks volumes, Catherine.
You are who you are.
I never imposed myself upon anyone. When someone asks me a question or asks
me how I feel I just let it out. If I am passionate about something which
directly affects my life I will be quite emotional about it and not stuff
any of those feelings. I am never the kind of person to hide how I feel,
much less deny the reality before me, especially in front of someone I have
trusted. In fact, despite how much I care about you and how I certainly have
respect for your decisions, everyone has the liberty to choose their own
destinies and to weigh the consequences within.
Me, I've made my commitments and thought long and hard concerning the realities
of the past and the present in regards to the future. I'm sure you noticed
the hesitancy as you brought up the future of us to me on Monday during our
walk. I've seen you fall once already and I simply do not want to get sucked
down within the undertow later. I can't afford that especially if I were
to show you where I lived. To remove that little mystery in a futile attempt
at full disclosure, I'll elaborate:
My parents drink occasionally and invite company over from time to time.
There is cold beer in the fridge and liquor for guests. Downstairs is a bar
(where I'm typing now) which has bottles of liquor of unknown age (probably
twenty or more years old) where we serve our guests (we don't serve them
those libations though). There are five bottles of imported tequila from
Jalisco, Mexico which are still sealed after being purchased gosh know how
many YEARS ago (at $50/bottle its very rare stuff) on the back bar. So, you
see, it would be a tricky proposition for me to trust your decision to abstain
in the midst of such easily ingestible and readily available poisons.
As for me they are nothing but inanimate objects which look pretty as curios
do within an antique shop. Yet I view them as poison nonetheless, especially
the imported tequilas. Sure, the Beast says, "C'mon! Let's open one up for
one last party!" I firmly tell IT, "We already had OUR last party over ten
months ago, asshole! Take a good look and SUFFER, you sniveling bitch!" Besides,
why waste excellent agave azul? I may, provided mailing regulations allow
it, mail them all to my friend in Tulsa, Oklahoma. He has a little website
at [redacted] if you're interested.
After personally witnessing how you "escape" when there is no danger present
and the results afterwards I believe my suspicions are amply justified. But
I do thank you for the experience which led to me making amends to my mom
and dad for the shit I've done to them through seeing you on a gurney with
a mouth full of charcoal, a sphygmometer on one arm, an intravenous drip
in the other while a catheter dangled from between your legs up through your
urethra into your bladder as your sponsor and mother shook their heads and
wondered why you did it. I know why you did it and I thank you for the
inadvertent pleasure of such a pleasant experience which fully solidified
my Big Plan! I WON'T EVER FORGET THAT! Who needs a camera when I can fully
recollect such a wonderful memory! I love you for that "spiritual awakening"!
I honestly do and always will!
Anyhow, you do what you do and I'll do what I do. I just hope for Christ's
sake you get what you want out of what you do and enjoy every nanosecond
of it. Just don't get hurt in the meantime. You know what's what.
Besides, I can handle rejection. I will NEVER go boo-hoo-hoo into boo-hoo-ooze
no matter what anyone or anything in life throws at me for I never poison
>I kind of found out last Monday when you came over that we just don't
>much to say to eachother. Its evident on the phone when we talk, and
>were together. I find myself searching for things to say to you, which
>the conversation strained and uncomfortable.
Such suspense! ;->
What are YOU afraid to say? Do I intimidate YOU? Is there a threat present?
Frightened? You have enough courage to start this, Catherine. Tell me what
those uncomfortable things are, Catherine.
WHAT are YOU feeling right now?
>Another reason is that I find myself trying to control you and I don't
>to do that to anyone, especially to a man. I have some issues to
>where men are concerned, and I have to do that before I can truly be
You can't control me just as much as I can't control you. It's that one thing
known as freedom of the will. America, as I formerly know it, was based upon
such respect for individual liberty despite the risks involved. People generally
do as they please despite the consequences: good, bad, acknowledged and denied.
It takes the better person to learn how to CONTROL THEMSELVES by mastering
the power of their own free will! Nobody is powerless except in the context
of EVADING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY when it comes to the risks involved in
pursuing then finally getting what they want...and deserve!
And that, my good friend, is the essence of morality!
You'll do what you do and that's fine by me as long as you leave me out of
your decisions. It's you who is making them so accept full responsibility
for your own actions. I just hope you savor every moment which result from
And, pretell, what do you mean by "issues"?
>I am sorry if I've led you on in any way, I didn't mean to. I feel
>better to do this now than to let our relationship continue with this
>on my mind. It would only have gotten harder to do later.
That's okay. I'm a staunch advocate for those who quit. Y'know? The "freedom"
Be well and live well, Catherine, and have a great day anyway.
P.S. How many packs are you up to? If I found a wild hair on the base of
my scrotum which convinced me to decide to make a pilgrimage to the Camel
Club I certainly won't be sitting at the nicotine addict table. Yeah...the
TRUE experts on addiction (sip...sip...puff...puff...)