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The Cathy K. Files

Final Response E-mail

The following is the final E-mail from Cathy K. and my response to it. This exchange serves as an exmaple of how tenuous relationships are within XA. It's not as if one can find a relationship within XA but how long that will last when one starts "seeing through" the cult. It only goes to show how unconditional that "unconditional love" is...as long as you always follow and never question the party line.

The moral of the story is this: When one has fully recovered from substance abuse then it's better to seek relationships based on mutual interests and never common fallibility.

The only changes I made to the E-mails was just simple name and E-mail address changes to protect anonyminity.

Note: The Camel Club is an XA "recovery" clubhouse. I was going to place a map of its location online...but why bother? It makes no sense to me. The ARID Site's purpose is not to promote the cult and its various "recovery" enterprises.


Incoming E-mail:

From:

"Cathy K." <email_address_withheld>

To:

thearidsite@juno.com

Date:

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 23:29:00 +0000

Subject:

Sorry I have to do this...
Hi [dr.bomb],

I wish I could be writing you a happier email, but I can't right now. [dr.bomb], 
I need to break up with you. Mostly its because I am so early in recovery 
and I don't know who I am yet. I know I've said this before, but I guess I 
can't escape the truth, and I still need to be alone to figure this out. 
There are other reasons too. Like the fact that I am totally commited to AA, 
and I cannot sit through another one of your rants against AA; I just don't 
agree with you and what you say. You are dedicated to your beliefs and thats 
fine, but so am I, and I'm not going to change my mind for you or anyone 
else.

I kind of found out last Monday when you came over that we just don't have 
much to say to eachother. Its evident on the phone when we talk, and when 
were together. I find myself searching for things to say to you, which makes 
the conversation strained and uncomfortable.

Another reason is that I find myself trying to control you and I don't want 
to do that to anyone, especially to a man. I have some issues to resolve 
where men are concerned, and I have to do that before I can truly be with 
anyone.

I am sorry if I've led you on in any way, I didn't mean to. I feel that its 
better to do this now than to let our relationship continue with this stuff 
on my mind. It would only have gotten harder to do later.

Take care of yourself,

Catherine

Outgoing E-mail:

From:

thearidsite@juno.com

To:

"Cathy K." <email_address_withheld>

Date:

Fri, 10 Sep 2004 19:44:55 -0400

Subject:

Re: Sorry I have to do this...
On Thu, 09 Sep 2004 23:29:00 +0000 "Catherine K." <email_address_withheld> writes:
>I wish I could be writing you a happier email, but I can't right now. 
>[dr.bomb], 
>I need to break up with you. Mostly its because I am so early in 
>recovery 
>and I don't know who I am yet. I know I've said this before, but I 
>guess I 
>can't escape the truth, and I still need to be alone to figure this 
>out. 

I know who YOU are. You're a human being who is ambivalent to the reality in front of you. As I am basing my opinions on objective fact I'm sure you can tell me, specifically, where I'm wrong. Don't worry. You need neither to change for me nor respond for your silence speaks volumes, Catherine. You are who you are.

I never imposed myself upon anyone. When someone asks me a question or asks me how I feel I just let it out. If I am passionate about something which directly affects my life I will be quite emotional about it and not stuff any of those feelings. I am never the kind of person to hide how I feel, much less deny the reality before me, especially in front of someone I have trusted. In fact, despite how much I care about you and how I certainly have respect for your decisions, everyone has the liberty to choose their own destinies and to weigh the consequences within.

Me, I've made my commitments and thought long and hard concerning the realities of the past and the present in regards to the future. I'm sure you noticed the hesitancy as you brought up the future of us to me on Monday during our walk. I've seen you fall once already and I simply do not want to get sucked down within the undertow later. I can't afford that especially if I were to show you where I lived. To remove that little mystery in a futile attempt at full disclosure, I'll elaborate:

My parents drink occasionally and invite company over from time to time. There is cold beer in the fridge and liquor for guests. Downstairs is a bar (where I'm typing now) which has bottles of liquor of unknown age (probably twenty or more years old) where we serve our guests (we don't serve them those libations though). There are five bottles of imported tequila from Jalisco, Mexico which are still sealed after being purchased gosh know how many YEARS ago (at $50/bottle its very rare stuff) on the back bar. So, you see, it would be a tricky proposition for me to trust your decision to abstain in the midst of such easily ingestible and readily available poisons.

As for me they are nothing but inanimate objects which look pretty as curios do within an antique shop. Yet I view them as poison nonetheless, especially the imported tequilas. Sure, the Beast says, "C'mon! Let's open one up for one last party!" I firmly tell IT, "We already had OUR last party over ten months ago, asshole! Take a good look and SUFFER, you sniveling bitch!" Besides, why waste excellent agave azul? I may, provided mailing regulations allow it, mail them all to my friend in Tulsa, Oklahoma. He has a little website at [redacted] if you're interested.

After personally witnessing how you "escape" when there is no danger present and the results afterwards I believe my suspicions are amply justified. But I do thank you for the experience which led to me making amends to my mom and dad for the shit I've done to them through seeing you on a gurney with a mouth full of charcoal, a sphygmometer on one arm, an intravenous drip in the other while a catheter dangled from between your legs up through your urethra into your bladder as your sponsor and mother shook their heads and wondered why you did it. I know why you did it and I thank you for the inadvertent pleasure of such a pleasant experience which fully solidified my Big Plan! I WON'T EVER FORGET THAT! Who needs a camera when I can fully recollect such a wonderful memory! I love you for that "spiritual awakening"! I honestly do and always will!

Anyhow, you do what you do and I'll do what I do. I just hope for Christ's sake you get what you want out of what you do and enjoy every nanosecond of it. Just don't get hurt in the meantime. You know what's what.

Besides, I can handle rejection. I will NEVER go boo-hoo-hoo into boo-hoo-ooze no matter what anyone or anything in life throws at me for I never poison myself. :-)

>I kind of found out last Monday when you came over that we just don't 
>have 
>much to say to eachother. Its evident on the phone when we talk, and 
>when 
>were together. I find myself searching for things to say to you, which 
>makes 
>the conversation strained and uncomfortable.

Such suspense! ;->

What are YOU afraid to say? Do I intimidate YOU? Is there a threat present? Frightened? You have enough courage to start this, Catherine. Tell me what those uncomfortable things are, Catherine.

WHAT are YOU feeling right now?

>Another reason is that I find myself trying to control you and I don't 
>want 
>to do that to anyone, especially to a man. I have some issues to 
>resolve 
>where men are concerned, and I have to do that before I can truly be 
>with 
>anyone.

You can't control me just as much as I can't control you. It's that one thing known as freedom of the will. America, as I formerly know it, was based upon such respect for individual liberty despite the risks involved. People generally do as they please despite the consequences: good, bad, acknowledged and denied. It takes the better person to learn how to CONTROL THEMSELVES by mastering the power of their own free will! Nobody is powerless except in the context of EVADING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY when it comes to the risks involved in pursuing then finally getting what they want...and deserve!

And that, my good friend, is the essence of morality!

You'll do what you do and that's fine by me as long as you leave me out of your decisions. It's you who is making them so accept full responsibility for your own actions. I just hope you savor every moment which result from your actions.

And, pretell, what do you mean by "issues"?

>I am sorry if I've led you on in any way, I didn't mean to. I feel 
>that its 
>better to do this now than to let our relationship continue with this 
>stuff 
>on my mind. It would only have gotten harder to do later.

That's okay. I'm a staunch advocate for those who quit. Y'know? The "freedom" thing.

Be well and live well, Catherine, and have a great day anyway.

P.S. How many packs are you up to? If I found a wild hair on the base of my scrotum which convinced me to decide to make a pilgrimage to the Camel Club I certainly won't be sitting at the nicotine addict table. Yeah...the TRUE experts on addiction (sip...sip...puff...puff...)

Back to the Cathy K. Files


Last updated 2005/04/02

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Quotes are attributed to their appropriate sources.
E-mail policy: If I feel it's outrageous enough in an informative sense I'll publish it at my own discretion.

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